Like I said in the other thread, this is going to take advantage of the "open" in Open Source. Hope that's okay. If not, don't keep reading.

All your encouraging posts in "Am I a Traitor" brought me to tears tonight. I've honestly been feeling very alone this last two weeks. As many of you know, before photography I published a book about date rape. Here's the open part...

Valentine's Day this year will be 15 years since it happened. It almost seems impossible that fifteen years has gone by. But the toughest part is that the man who did this shares the same birthday with me, this Friday, Feb. 9th.

This time of year is usually rough, and Brian often is the one who reminds me of why I'm probably weepy, but this year has been tougher. I told him this week that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, it only reminded me of loss, and I didn't know Pascaline heard me. She was so sad that I was crying about it and didn't understand. I felt so selfish.

I would love to ask for prayer, thoughts of love, whatever your form of kindness is. Brian's right, I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. I can't do this on my own.

I think the combination of this man sharing the same birthday makes me feel threatened and afraid. He had a serious issue of stalking me for over two years. And I feel like our birthday will bring me to his thoughts again. But honestly, I think that's fear based b/c it's been 12 years since I've seen him.

I also think that this DVD project coming to a head is bringing up a lot of fear. We did a photo shoot yesterday with the kids for the jacket cover, and last night I sat and cried b/c I wondered if I was making a huge mistake by putting my face and the kids' faces on something that could become very public.

I would love prayer for my sleep. Every night I wake up with nightmares of the past. And I feel this war within me that wants to just be angry at God b/c of all the things this man took from me, why did my birthday have to be one of them. I want to feel like my mom's Valentine baby again, instead of wishing the week would just end.

So tomorrow we see our counselor to talk through worst case scenarios and at least be prepared and start making plans that were similar to when our book came out. I think this DVD project is divine, much more than taking better photos. But I also feel worn out inside. And Brian, I can only imagine how worn out he is with all the tears this week.

More then any thing, I want to experience joy on Friday, blow out the candles with Pascaline and Blaze, not cry every time I see hearts hanging up in the grocery store, love having Brian as my Valentine, and not pull away when my mom when she calls me her Valentine baby.

Thank you so much for being a community that cares deeply.

We love you Me Ra.

We'll be praying for you.

Let us know if there is anything you need.

You ARE strong.

Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings, and deepest pain. I pray you will come to know beautiful healing and abounding joy.

Hi Me Ra.

It sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life, sister.

When you wake up at night, remember that you are not alone. I've been going through some stuff at work and haven't slept much either.

When I wake up tonight, I'll be praying for you and your family.

This too, shall pass.

Sean

Oh me ra... I am so sorry that this happened to you. I cannot imagine the turmoil you are feeling. It would be so easy for me to say some silly, useless reason to not feel bad, but it won't help.

You are absolutely doing the right thing when asking for prayer. I will keep you in my prayers tonight and every night. God WILL ease your pain and he WILL help you to overcome these feelings.

I am so angry at this person for doing something to you that has had such a long lasting, horrible effect on your life.

Look into the eyes of your beautiful children and know that you DID survive this ordeal. You survived it for 15 yrs now. Its time to STOP surviving and START LIVING AGAIN!

With love and prayer.

Jessica

I don't want to pretend like I can relate, because I can't... you are a great and strong person and I know you can overcome the pain. Your business and photography are impressive and inspiring and I want to see you get through this

Me Ra, the strength that it took simply to write this all out for all of your OSP family to see took more strength than most of us have in a month. I am so saddened to see that things like this can take the joy out of our lives, out of the times we should be able to be happiest. But know that even though there's pain, it's still YOUR life, and you're the one, with God's help, that's in control of the joy in your heart. I simply cannot imagine the hurt that you are feeling (and probably will feel for a long time), and I can't even try to say "I understand" or sympathize with you, but I'll be praying for you- as will many others in this great OSP family- and know that all of us around you (whether you know us in person or not) care for you and love you. And, you're still a sweet little Valentine's baby, don't let him take that away from you.

hugs hugs hugs

Me Ra, I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but please know that we love you and will be praying for you. You truly are an incredible person, for whom I have a great deal of respect. Take care of yourself during this time....

I don't know you and don't normally like to give advice like this but I will say that if you don't celebrate your birth because of that guy, he wins. I would celebrate it in joy! Your birthday is a celebration of you entering the world and making it a better place for those that love you. I hope I don't offend you in any way here. As for the DVD, bring it on. I'd like to see excerpts from it on here once you are done if possible.

Jeff

Thanks so much for your love and support. I asked Brian about posting this b/c it felt somewhat selfish knowing that you would share your support. Brian said there's nothing wrong with asking for support and asking for help when your weak.

He was right, and I'm glad all of you are here whether we've met in person or simply here.

well, now you've got me crying ... again!

you're such an inspiration!

I am praying that you feel God's comforting embrace around you constantly this week.

I feel God working now. As I look back on this day, I can see him working more than I could have ever imagined!!

I was feeling so lost, so confused, so overwhelmed when I posted what I did this afternoon. I've never posted something so vulnerable, so admitting of my fears & insecurities.

Now I see that God was putting that on my heart -- PRESSING IT HARD on my heart -- to use me and this board, not only to have some support come my way, but to work on your heart as well! That just really really blows my mind! I feel so small & so powerless, but I see something like this happen, and I'm just in awe of God's weaving skills. He weaves the threads of this tapestry. I post something online, it's a thread that I post out of selfishness (sound familiar MaRe?), and God weaves it over to touch you. Amazing....

MaRe, let me know if there's anything I can do for you...

and I will be praying for an amazingly love-filled birthday to come your way!!

~Carey

i can't even imagine how hard this is for you. but thank you for sharing with us, you know we're all here for you.

my mother was physically & emotionally abused as a child, and 35 years later suddenly started to remember horrible things. she now has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and like you, can't sleep at night without medication. and unfortunately, if you don't sleep, you aren't capable of emotionally dealing with the stress. so please please please do whatever you need to get rest, it's so important, especially at a time like this.

the fact that you are willing to share your story and ask for help shows just how strong you are. with the help of everyone in your life, you will thrive in spite of this. not just survive...thrive.

That is something I didn't think of. And you're totally right. Thanks for going out on a limb even though you don't know me. I needed to hear that.

Your honesty is deeply touching, Me Ra. Few people reach out in their pain, but those who do, YOU, will hopefully realize that you are NOT alone. None of us can take your pain from you, but we can surround you with love and our faithful prayers. You have nothing to fear because your confidence is in the Lord! Trust Him with all your heart...

I've been gathering your story in pieces, and I must say--Inspiring. I cannot imagine the depth of your pain, but I also see in you such beauty and strength. Your story of "overcoming" continues on, and this is another opportunity for you to let the Lord be your fortress, your defense. I continually have to remind myself, "I am not my own defense."

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Carey reminds me of a piece of art we have downstairs...

My life is but a weaving
between the Lord and me;
I may not choose the colors,
He knows what they should be;
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side
While I can see it only
On this, the under side
Sometimes He weaveth sorrow;
Which seemeth strange to me;
But I will trust His judgement
And work on faithfully;
'Tis He who fills the shuttle;
and He knows what is best,
So I shall weave in earnest,
Leaving to Him the rest.
Not 'til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why -
The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

mine too.

Me Ra, I don't know you personally but I SO wish we were closer so I could take you out to coffee and steal you away for a few hours to relax and unwind. I know a few friends of mine have done that for me when I was struggling with some real deep issues. I wasn't strong enough at the time to reach out and ask for help, but they (and Chris) knew what I needed and kidnapped me for a few coffee dates. I wish I could do this for you.

I will be praying for you this week and next for peace and comfort from God. That you can rest and find joy in your birthday and valentines day.

You are an amazing women Me Ra and an inspiration to many. Thank you for your giving spirit, and please remember to take time to give not only to others but yourself as well. If your "love bank" is empty you won't have anything left to give. Take time to fill yourself up and not feel selfish for doing it.

I'm praying for you!

Carey, I didn't see this post, and I just sent you a PM. Your previous thread tonight totally encouraged me to be vulnerable and just ask for help. It really did work on my heart. Thanks for posting your honesty. It really is amazing how much of an impact it had. I feel so much lighter already, lighter than I have felt in two weeks. And I just feel surrounded by prayer as I get ready to head to bed.

Why do we wait so long to ask for help?

Sweet Sweet dreams to you, my friend.


I have NO idea...

Best wishes to you Me Ra!! I think I'll go out on a limb too. I'm assuming you are religous because you are asking for prayers.
I think a lot of times we forget that Christ's atonement wasn't just for sins. He suffered EVERYTHING that we do so that He can be our advocate with Heavenly Father. That includes hurts caused by other people. There were some hard things surrounding the death of my father last year and I came to a point not very long ago that I just couldn't anguish over it anymore it hurt so bad. I said a prayer one night and told Him that I couldn't do it anymore and that I was handing this situation over to Him. I felt immediate and sweet relief. I know He hears ours prayers. And I know He knows what you are going through. He's the only one beside yourself. Let Him handle it. He can do it! I hope this isn't too forward, especially in a public forum like this, but I really want you and everyone else to remember all the reasons He suffered and died for us. He wants us to be happy and sometimes He's the only one who can fix what is ailing us. I hope you sleep well this week and that you have a wonderful, wonderful birthday with your husband and babies. There are many people who love you!

Colleen

Me Ra,

I think its so great that you share here, but mostly the fact that you have overcome, your faith through this, shows strength and wow, you have a husband that is so strong. its great to see that and it sets a great example for those of us who are married here, how the bond of marraige and healing from GOD can be so essential and such a blessing. Plus so many others here support and give their prayers, this is such a great place.

Me Ra there are so many people who care about you and whose lives you've already touched and inspired including of course mine. I view you as probably the strongest woman I know with a very kind and a huge heart. Theres just something about you thats so genuine and pure.....I know very few people like you and im so happy to call you a friend!

It sadens me that your going through such a horrible experience and that you have been victimized in this way and i'll deffinetly be thinking of you. It was so brave of you to post this here, but really this community is a family and if one of us is hurting all of us are hurting and I really do sincerly hope you make it through this week. I know you will, you've overcome so many challenges and present an incredible example for us all of strength and integrity.

chin up

Me Ra,

Your faith, strength, humility, creativity, talent, generosity, and the wonderful relationship you share with Brian inspire me more than you will ever know.

I love you, and I am lifting you up in prayer during this time.

~ Crystal

me ra
Throughout all our lives we all go through struggles, pain, and trials. Most of us hoping we never have to go through what you did. Those pains at times are so hard to bear. And in my experiences i find its hard to get over it, heal, forgive, and move on in my life. But there are natural ways to heal (I hope you don't mind me sharing a suggestion) but on an energy level there are ways to release these emotional baggages. There are a group of practitioners certified by a company called Body talk systems, where these people are trained and taught how to talk to your body through muscle testing to find out what emotions are brewing inside and release them my tapping on the meridian and acupressure points. If your interested this is there site and you can search for someone in your area www.bodytalksystems.com For me it has been wonderful! I feel comfortable and so much lighter. I have more confidence and less pain. I feel Free!
I am sorry that you go through this year after year. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
All my love,
ShannonD

You're amazing and have been an inspiration and encouragement to so many. You've reached so many people and I think God is just beginning so don't let anybody or anything scare you. God's gonna continue to do incredible things through your life.

Me Ra,
The healing that has already taken place is revealed in your post. God will never give us anything we cannot handle through Him. I know that you have become stronger. My prayers are with you so that tomorrow you think of not the past, but what the future holds for you. The day you were born God smiled.....remember that. Hang in there girl!

Me Ra, I don't have anything smart to add, but I do hope that talking about it with people who care about you has and will help to quiet the sting of such a terrible memory.

*hugs*

Nothing new to add -- just echoes of everyone else. And hope that you slept well.

We will be praying for you.

Me Ra,

You have inspired me so much not only in your photography, but in your heart for God and your desire to go deeper in everything. I will be praying for you but know that God is there for you and ready to hold you in his hands and comfort you.

There are so many amazing words of wisdom from people here and you are loved.

MeRa,

You know....

As far as the East is from the West, even grater is His love for his children.

WOW, we can't even comprehend that.

Without getting too preachy, I believe that God lets people experience trials and challenges so that others may benefit. Twisted?...no. He promises that He will not let us be challenged beyond what we can bear. So with that said, He must have realized your strength and let this terrible thing happen to you. There are countless women who are dealing with the same horrible reality from a past that they wish they could forget. You've met them, you've talked with them, you've hugged them, you've cried with them, but more importantly, you've inspired them. God put you in that place for a reason. Those women needed you, they needed your faith and strength to show them that it is possible to overcome such a horrifying experience. As unfair as it is, without your pain, you wouldn't be the MeRa that you are today, an inspiration for so many...those who hold a camera and those who don't.

Joy and I will say a special prayer for you and Brian and the kids.

My heart was bleeding for you as I read your current pains. Different seasons remind us of the past, and this is yours. Every woman fears this happening. You are inspiring not only those who have suffered, but those who wonder how they would hand such a loss. I well up with a combination of pride and eyes tearing to see your transparency and your strength. You are amazing...God is being GLORIFIED through you...what a privelege.

Me Ra,
You're in my prayers. Even when you don't find the strength to celebrate your birthday, we all do, because your life has touched/is touching each of us in a special way.

You are a blessing.

Oh, Me Ra,

After reading your other post, I came over to read this one and I am touched by your strength and honesty. I understand your fears, having been through a stalker incident myself, and I'm so glad that you are seeking help to get through this. We can't help the questioning thoughts that race through the mind, but let them be fleeting. They may pop in there so quickly, but we don't have to hold onto them. Recognize them and let them go! Think instead on all the blessings and positive things in your life. Sleep will come as God wraps you in His arms.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ginger

PS- It sounds like Brian is a wonderful husband!

Me Ra,

You are a wonderful inspiring person and you deserve this support! Hang in there. And call me if I can do anything to help, I'm just down the road... ;-)

~Bill

Me Ra,
It has been said throughout this post. You will be in my thoughts. You are an incredible person. Hugs to your heart and mind.
Be strong and move forward. Lean hard on those that you love if you need to.

You are a force to be reckoned with my dear.
You are stronger and smarter for all of the challenges you've endured.
You are wiser and more powerful now than ever before.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are protected and cared for.
You are precious.
You are a creature unlike any other.
You are not afraid of your past.
You are not consumed by your fears.
You are grateful for the love that you have in your life.
You are grateful for your mother's nurturing.
You are blessed to have such an amazing family.
You are a forced to be reckoned with and you will let NOTHING get in the way of enjoying the happiness that TODAY brings. You will let nothing will get in the way of loving your husband or your mother. You will let nothing stop you from pursuing your dreams. You are a force to be reckoned with.

Me Ra,

Know that you are so loved and supported here. You are such a wonderful, strong, and kind person. I admire you and if I can do anything for you please let me know!

You and your family are in my prayers!
God Bless,
Michelle



+1

That's what we are here for, don't ever feel selfish asking for support. Though I have not experienced the pain you have been through, each of us have our ghosts that haunt us, and it's through the prayers and strengths of others that we can be survivors. You are awesome for being REAL and open. This forum goes so much beyond photography, we are all a family here and will always be here for you.

You are so blessed to have an understanding husband to hold your hand and heart, and children who adore you. Not to mention, I know so many people look up to you in this industry and cheer on the success you are achieving. You are a survivor and survioring gloriously! Your strength to strive forward is admirable.

We're for ya girl! Keep rockin! I'll be praying for you!

oh Me Ra.....I echo what everyone says

You are a wonderful person-I had the most awesome time with you and Brian in NY and each time I think of you it makes me smile....please celebrate your birthday...celebrate your life...celebrate your children...celebrate everything that you have made in this world....I know all of us here who love and cherish your friendship will be celebrating your birthday.....

I am sad to hear that this person has taken so much from you but know that you have everyone here who will give to you anytime you need it

Go hug Pascaline, Blaze and Brian...they are what is good in your life and remember all the good that has come from this horrible event

hugsssss, kissessss, wishes, hope, love

Happy Birthday, Happy Rebirth Day too!

My heart is heavy for you as you walk through this mire - you are in my prayers tonight. I'm glad you were able to share your burden with us - my hope for you is that you find it lighter . . .

Me Ra,

You are such a bright light in this world.

Me Ra,

I could never understand, or even begin to imagine what you are going through, and have gone through for the past fifteen years. The responses here have been so great that it is hard for me to add anything. Just know that I am adding my love and strength for you. I am so proud of all that you have accomplished in your personal, and professional life.

What I can add to what has been said already is that you are like a beam of sunshine warming those that are touched by your rays. The little time we shared together in Ca was enough to show me that. Then when I saw you for about fifteen seconds in NYC at the expo it was like the sun broke through on a cloudy day and I had a warm feeling in my heart as you walked away.

I hope that all your days are filled with that same warm feeling. Hold Pascaline, Blaze and Brian when life gets a little overcast, and let the rays you have put into them warm you all over again.

We had Junior Club at church today, Me Ra. 4th, 5th and 6th grade kids. I am one of the adult leaders, but I wasn't in the lead today.

The other leader planned the activities around the theme of love and what the Bible says about loving God and loving our neighbors. The leader asked each child, "Who do you think God loves?" As she went around the table, the children talked about their moms and dads, their pets, even their siblings, grandparents, all the usual stuff. Then she got to this one boy and his answer was: "I think God DOESN'T love MY neighbor."

The leader didn't skip a beat. "God loves everyone, Jake, even your neighbor. God may not love whatever it is that your neighbor DOES that makes you unhappy, so we need to pray for your neighbor."

Jake answered, "Ok, let's pray. Dear God, please make my neighbor move away forever so that I can forget all about living next door to a lunatic."

Of course everyone laughed, but I think Jake made a great point.

I thought about your post, Me Ra. And in my head, I prayed that you might someday get past your fears. And I prayed that this lunatic that attacked you would be truly remorseful and beg forgiveness.

Well, I'm not sure exactly what the point of all this is, except to tell you that I've been thinking about you all day which culminated in a very clear prayer I offered for you at my church tonight.

"Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." This is my prayer of strength for you.

Me Ra,

Your in my prayers and in the prayers of many others. Lean own those loved ones around you and know that the time will come that thy will lean on you. There are some really nice people here on the OSP that give really great advice and have a wonderful spirits to lean on.

Me Ra, you are an incredibly strong woman. And our prayers are with you through this tough time.

You can always find refuge in God's grace and in His word, and we pray that you'll find healing, restoring of former things, and strength under the shadow of His wings.

Here's hopin' that you have the best birthday bash of your life!

Blessings on you,

Kenneth + Elaine

Me Ra,

I can't say I share that same pain with you, but we all have some sort of pain. The difference is that you are strong & brave for posting your story to all of us. It can only help you that we are all supporting & praying for you. I can only offer all the above encouraging thoughts that other members offered you. Just know that you have been an inspiration to a lot of us, stay strong, keep the faith, & put a smile on your beautiful face!



Kayla

Okay, Anne. You made me cry....

Me Ra,

You have inspired so many people, especially women. I am one of those women. You are a strong and amazing woman! I so understand that even strong women just can't be strong all of the time. You are so loved! And in so many ways it's because you are so willing to be human.

You are strong even when you think you are weak.

MeRa,

I just saw this thread and wanted to be among the many in this community that respect you as a photographer and a person to reach out and let you know that I will pray for you. Please allow God to help you carry the burden of this pain. He will carry you through this one day at a time.



dana

Wow, I was gone all day yesterday, and I had no idea how many posts were here. I'm going to read through all your posts during nap time today, so that I can just soak them in. Thank you so much for all your love.

I had the most amazing dream about OSP last night. I just posted it on the birthday thread if you get a chance to read it. You have no idea how much your love and encouragement has impacted my life this last 48 hours. Thank you a thousand, trillion times.

My 5 and 2 yr. old natives are restless. Be back later today!