Just wanted to make a tiny vent - is anyone else REALLY insulted when a brides says something like,

"So what happens if you get in a terrible car accident on the way to my wedding and can't come?"

or

"What if someone in your family dies right before my wedding.....will you be there?"

I've tried so hard to think about the fact that they are very focused on their wedding and do not realize how insulting this is, and I guess I kind of understand why (kind of) they ask this, but it still drives me crazy!!!!

Okay, vent over.

haven't had one actually ask that, just one that said "now you can't get sick or get in a wreck btwn now and the wedding" and laughed... I was peeved

Yes, i had the same question Stacy. It's a hard one. I understand...from being a bride...the feeling of what if the vendors don't show up??!!!?! But it doesn't feel so good on this end. A little doom and gloom.

I've had a good laugh with my brides about that kind of comment, actually.

Maybe it's a guy thing? I don't know. I joke around with them though, that unless I'm in traction or a coffin, I'll be there. The couples that book me know I mean it, and I would bend over backwards to ensure that their event goes off without a hitch with regards to my end of things.

Personally, I think that it's a VERY reasonable question, and not insulting at all. Wouldn't you want to know what would happen if it were your wedding?
We answer this question for our brides before they get a chance to ask. I think it makes them feel better to know that there is a contingency plan in place.

it's a very reasonable question, but I usually bring it up myself when I go over my contract with them.

I totally understand your frustrations! Brides around here are even more paranoid than normal because of a jerk wedding photographer that got himself arrested and bankrupted his business w/o notifying any brides... even missed weddings completely with no contact - it took these brides a while to find out what even happened. So, they're super edgy here about EVERYTHING. I do find it incredibly insulting when they say things like that, but at the same time, I do know exactly why they are asking... gotta cover all your bases. Though, they could certainly word it a bit better!

Not insulting. It's in the contract language, defining what happens in that event and is gone over at contract signing. Perhaps tacky, but if you tackle it up front, you control how it's brought up.

I don't understand why you find this insulting. If you were paying thousands of dollars for someone to provide you a service, wouldn't you want to know what would happen if something occurred that would prevent them from showing up? Why on EARTH is it insulting for them to ask you a perfectly reasonable, professional question?

Karen

Karen,

I don't think anyone meant that they are insulted by being questioned about the "what ifs". I understand wanting to know that there is a backup plan, but to have someone just BLATANTLY say "so if you mom dies, you'll be there right?" That IS rude and insulting because we are all HUMAN, professional or not, we still have feelings.

Think about those who have already lost a parent. You may have yourself. Its everyones worst nightmare. We all think about it and we all dread something like this. BUT I think that every person on this forum would do anything possible to make sure the client is taken care of.

Personally, I had a cancer scare at the beginning of Oct. I found out I had to have surgery to have my tonsils removed to find out just WHAT the thing was. My doctor recommended that I do it soon. I explained that I had 10 weddings between October and the end of the year and that it just wasn't feasible to do it before Christmas. He agreed to monitor it on a scheduled basis to confirm that no changes occured or I would HAVE to have the surgery before. My first priority was my brides, although I know that my husband, mother, sister and other familiy members felt that that was NOT the biggest concern.

PS to those familiar with my ongoing recovery, I still haven't gotten the results of that test, but I will let you know.

Still keeping you in our prayers Jessica!

I think all they're trying to say is "Do you have a backup plan?" Maybe some just don't realize how they're coming across.

I think that's it exactly. I think it's perfectly fair for brides to ask what would we do if we were unable to make it for some reason. They just want to be comforted in knowing that everything will be taken care of. I explain to brides that I have a huge network of phographer freinds that would help me if something happened to me (OSP ) I don't think there is much else we can do beyond that. Only God knows whats going to happen between now and the moment she walks down the isle.

You do need to have a statement in your contract though that states you are only responsable for what they have actually paid if something happened to you and you were unable to show up.

Yeah, I definetely understand what they're trying to ask and, like I said in my post, I understand WHY they are asking this, but I agree, there are less tacky ways to ask it. Katie, I remember thinking, "what if someone doesn't show up" at my wedding, too, but I guess I never thought "gee, I hope that if so-and-so's mom dies, they'll still come to my wedding".

Besides, this is ALL in my contract and I, too, discuss this with my clients at our meeting. I just think it's funny when brides will hear the backup plan in my little talk and then will want to come back to that and ask me what's going to happen if someone dies. WAY tacky.

I think that what bugs me about this is not WHAT they're trying to ask, but HOW they ask it. That's why this was a vent....not because I don't get it, but because I've just heard these questions too many times and it makes me feel right away like that bride is tremendously self-centered. But, I'm working very hard on focusing on the reason they ask, rather than how they ask.

karen, you okay??


Jessica, thinking about you and praying for you!

Somehow I missed all this...Dang Jessica, you are hardcore! That is some serious dedication to your brides. Having tonsils out is not fun at all and the other stuff makes it even worse. I had mine out a few years ago and it was not at all pleasant. Praying for the best outcome for you.

Our WA state PJA has a clause I believe that if something like this happens they will arange for another to be there. Our photographer mentioned this to us and it semed like a great idea and certainly something that can ease a bride's mind.

same here
+1

Don't forget, you're dealing with young inexperienced women here. They are usually just a little out of their teens and aren't as polished and polite as all of us are. They don't realize they are being crass in how they state the question but they do have a right to know how it will be handled. If they come across really bad I suppose you can always come back at them asking what happens if they groom dies the day before, will there still be a wedding since you have a contract?

Ditto. There is a clause in my contract that covers the possibility. In 18 years though it has never happened.

Rick

HA!!!

Could you IMAGINE the response?! "HOW DARE YOU?!"

I try to bring it up first... but honestly, I get the question probably 25% of the time. Never really thought of it as insulting but now that you mention it... I do think it's quite tacky.

Like Stephen...I cover it before they do. I tell them in 19 years of photography I've seen a lot of crazy things...but I've never missed a wedding. In fact, I've covered for 3 other photographers who have had things happen and needed a last minute replacement.

I do tend to joke -- I tell them that the chance are probably about the same that something would happen to YOU or your fiance! (gotta be careful who you say this to though!)

I also remind them that my assistants are perfectly capable of covering weddings on their own if for some reason I'm abducted by aliens on the way to the ceremony (I like to use spurious examples like that...he-he-he...).

Stacy...if you are insulted...well, it's probably a sign that you haven't been asked that question enough to move it over to the "routine response" category!

Both of mine, in fact. My mother died on a Friday afternoon and I had a Saturday wedding the next day. I stayed Saturday until my replacement could get there. I'm intimately familiar with how much of a nightmare it is.
Karen

What's insulting is when they won't accept any reasonable contingency plan. I had a couple refuse to book me because I couldn't "guarantee" them that there would be someone to cover for me if something happened - and I couldn't guarantee that unless they were willing to pay for a second photographer, which they weren't.

In the meantime, I had 4 weddings cancelled on me in 2005. (I rescheduled two of them and let them use their original deposits.) They don't seem to see that as a problem.

That doesn't really offend me. We deal with weddings all the time. This is probably this girls first. First time she's dealing with anythting of this magnitude and she's being analytical. Give her a break. If you were paying a fortune for someone's services and essentially them (because so much of out business is based on the photographer's eye and personality) you would wonder too, especially if you had never seen a photography contract before. I highly doubt it's personal.

I know it feels rough, I get the questions too. My favorite lately has been "So when are you getting pregnant?" Every client this year has asked in the meeting. While I completely understand their concern, it does feel a bit personal, but I can remember where they are coming from.

Yes, John, I agree that when they won't accept a reasonable contingency plan, that's when it's insulting...

(I keep on accidentally typing "insluting" and THAT's not what I mean AT ALL!!! )

Anyway, I appreciate that everyone has participated in this conversation, but I feel pretty misunderstood.

1) I don't need to "give her a break"....I have responded with tremendous grace and politeness to these questions EVERY time someone has asked me.

2) I HAVE been discussing a contingency plan with my brides.....for some strange reason, it's not enough for me to say "in case of emergency". The brides seem to think they need to specifically ask what happens if someone dies. I understand, like I said before, WHY they are asking....but I do think it is a tacky way to ask it and gives that bride away as someone who thinks of nobody but themselves. (some of you probably think this is okay.....I tolerate it, but having been through my own wedding, I sometimes think the whole thing is rediculous! ) It is also in my contract

3) This was merely a vent....I think I made that clear. I do not need to be reprimanded for thinking this way - that is obsurd. This is merely something I feel EVERY time a bride asks me these questions and I never get to say anything about it and I felt that this would be a good place. I DO appreciate everyone's imput and hopefully it helped those reading who did not cover this type of thing in their contract. ALL of you have things that rub you the wrong way, and this is my thing. It's okay.

haha, i probably asked our wedding photog this question. now i feel bad because i never even considered it being rude ! (sorry, marc!)

i was usually so rushed when i was calling vendors that i went down a list of questions i found in a book, hoping i didn't forget anything. i was literally making most of my phone calls on the way to meetings or from work to school. that's probably where a lot of brides are coming from, having never planned such a large event (some by themselves!), they rely on a lot of books to advise them on which 'questions to ask [your] photographer.'

...just a few words from a newlywed.







whoa, now that's over the line! (isn't it bad enough to get that question from family?!)

Rebekah - I don't remember any questions like that from you, but those things don't bother me. Any question a client feels like they have to ask is an important question to them. I try to see it from their perspective. Some of them are funny and off base to us, but still, it's important to them. I've so far in 4 years missed 3 funerals for relatively close members of the family and one very close friend due to weddings. If the family member was immediate, I would request the funeral work around whatever wedding I might have. To me, funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I can pay my respects any time. It's tough working through a wedding just after someone passes, but it's my job.

Now, the question about what if I die before the wedding, and do they get their money back? I don't know if I've heard that one yet, but I love the response I've heard from other photographers. What if the bride dies before the wedding, and does the photographer still get paid?

Marc

I get this question so often, I reference it in my FAQ's on my website!

What did throw me off was recently I had a bride ask for a special provision in her contract that would guarantee I could provide a replacement in the event that I couldn't make it. I was kinda thrown by this and explained that I simple couldn't put a 100% guarantee in writing. I told her that i'm part of a large network of photographers in the area and that I would certainly make every effort to find a suitable replacement. In the end she was satisfied with that...

Anyone else ever had a request like that? I mean, i'm not some big studio here, it's just me!!

A

Here's what I say, verbatum:

"Well, luckily the contract makes sure you'll get all of your money back even if I die on the way to your wedding. Too bad the groom doesn't come with a contract like that!!!

I laugh, the bride starts to worry about more important issues.

Seriously though, my involvement in three professional organizations as well as my network of local photographers helps me rest assured that if I were to be too ill, I would still be able to send another photographer to photograph your wedding. I think that's what being a professional is all about."

You can also touch their shoulder for reassurance that you'll take care of them... but only if you really like them.